she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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