I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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