Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
