I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
