Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you had me at cake vodka
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
