Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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