So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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