i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
