I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
