Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
