All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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