yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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