Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
