This is not my ceiling
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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