the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
