Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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