i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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