Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
