So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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