i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
