Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
