She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
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well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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