she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
