You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
