It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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