I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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