my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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