I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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