I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
