I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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