I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
