Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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