it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
