I can tuck mytits in my pants
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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