Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
