I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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