I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
