He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
