im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
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Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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