At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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