I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
