just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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