Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
