you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
