i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
