I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
