beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
no you cant smoke seaweed
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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