I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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