I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
