new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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