I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
