capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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