think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
