she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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