at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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