Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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