i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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