The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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