fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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